Hollywood Fatburner

Janet Kuypers performed this poem live November 30th 2007 at the Mercury Cafe feature of hers in Chicago. She was the first feature of the evening (of a cafe which closed at 9:00 in the evening). She read a variety of poems that she had never read live before, and even included a brand new poem that was written for the March month in the 2008 Poetry Wall Calendar (on sale in the end of 2007 and the beginning of 2008 through Scars Publications, at scars.tv). And for more information on Janet Kuypers, or to see additional writings from her, go to janetkuypers.com.Below are select poems that were read live at this performance.–holding my handwhen we’re walking in stride together downthe street and our feet pump out the same rhythmand our shoulders are almost touching and ourhands brush up against each other for one briefmoment and he reaches over and takes my handwhen he slides his fingers around mineand I feel him move along the palm of my handwell, no one knows what it feels likewhen his fingers curl and hold me tightwell, it feels like pop rocksit feels like when that candy is slidingdown my throat after I let it explodeon my tongue and it’s still tingling and noone knows I’m eating this and no one knowsthe feeling and this is my little secretand I feel this feeling like never beforeand it makes me want to laugh and crybecause I look around the room and no oneelse is eating those pop rocks and no oneknows the feeling when he’s holding my hand–Have No BackboneI tried to put on the show for youbut no matter how good an actress isshe cannot become her partI tried to show I loved youI tried to act as if I caredbut I really didn’t carenot about youand so I hid itI hid my feelingssuppressed my emotionsand I acted like your daughterI feel nothingso I go through the motionsand it hurts me to thinkthat I really don’t have a familythe flashbacks kill meand so I do my best to forgetand to smile when I am toldbut I can only smile for so longwhen I really want to cryand I really want to leavebut the thought of the curtain closinghurts me morethan playing the partso don’t worrythe role is still filledfor as long as I do not have a backboneand as long as I do not have a familyI will act–timing is everythingtiming is everything, you knowjust when you say you’ve had enoughjust when you’re ready to wave that white flagand step out of the ring and stop playing the gameand stop feeling the pain because you’re numbthat’s when for a brief moment somethingwonderful happens and reminds you why you liveand reminds you of what hope and joy andeven love isand suddenly breathing is no longer a choreand suddenly nothing is a chore and suddenlythere is no pain and suddenly you rememberwhat it’s like to be alive and you start to like itwell, that’s when they pull they rug out fromunder you, right at that moment, so thatyou can fall to the floor and then the bitingsting of pain hurts that much moretiming is everything, you know, they do itthat way on purpose because they can’t let yougo on feeling hope and not feeling painthis is their key, it’s all in the timing–civil warIthe confederates are winning the battlebut I know the north will win the warand all they’ll get is a ravaged battlefieldIIa civil war is raging inside mebut I’m tired of fighting from withinwhen all I want is a revolution–Let the War BeginMy silence is my only choice. My silenceis my weapon. As it is with you. As it iswith all of us.To go against all instinct and not fight.This is my weapon. To keep us alive andbury the truth.This is the way I keep our sanity, butlose mine. Isn’t this the way it always goes.Me giving in first.You say this isn’t what you want butyour actions speak novels to me. I’ve readthis book before.Nothing is pure when you destroy purity.Nothing is sacred when there is no Godand no hope.I’ve lost my battles and now I need newdefenses. I’ve thrown down the gauntlet.Let the war begin. –Cast In StoneI’ve searched a millenia for youand my love for you will survive through the agesAnd if they cast us in stoneit will only cement my love for youfor all to see and admirebecause even if the elements chip away our outer façadesthe marble will smooth in timeand my soul will still flourishbeing frozen by your side.